Help! I'm Stuck With a Bunch of Retards!
by MyTeenageDream
Summary: What happens when you trap 25 people on an island?What happens when this happens to be a reality show they know NOTHING about?Well, I guess you could say this fic is what happens.More info inside NOTE-I used to be strangerthanfictionclub
1. Intro

Help! I'm Stuck With a Bunch of Retards!

Okay, so this chapter's just an introduction to this fic…You'll see…

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Host- Welcome to our show! Now, we gave 25 people a dream cruise...only to leave them on a deserted island... I'm your host, Ryan Seacrest, or to them, Arargagog. Now You people at home (or whenever you are reading this fic) Really need to vote, (In this case, review) to keep your favorite contestants on the island. Here's how the voting works. Put your favorite contestant and your least favorite contestant in your review. There'll be an example on the reviews page. Now let's take a look at our contestants, who know NOTHING about the show.

1) Danny Gokey

2) Allison Iraheta

3) Adam Lambert

4) Kris Allen

5) Lila

6) Angel

7) Caylee

8) Katy O'Connell

9) William Hung

10) Renaldo Lapuz

11) Miley Cyrus

12) Nick JonASS

13) Demi Lovato

14) Wil Kunick

15) Katrina Darrell (Bikini Girl)

16) Nick Mitchell (Norman Gentle)

17) Tatiana DelToro

18) Anoop Desai

19) Matt Girard

20) Megan Joy

21) Selena Gomez

22) David Cook

23) David Archuleta

24) Jason Castro

25) Sanjaya

Host- Okay, so voting starts now…Just please don't vote 23248309481 times on anonymous. If this happens, anonymous reviews will be turned off…The time, you can vote for up to five contestants to stay and 3 contestants to leave. Remember, the contestants that you vote for get any votes against them taken off, and votes are not cumulative. So now, please vote!


	2. Top 25

Ya…I'm probably not going to have too much author's notes. Blame Seacrest…He says all the info and the thanking etc…It'll be in the author's note part as you can see…So…ya…

Just one thing from me…Due to some…same names, Nick Mitchell will be Norman (duh) and David Cook will be Cookie and David Archuleta will be Archy…

Ryan- Welcome back to "Help! I'm Stuck With a Bunch of Retards!" We have your votes counted, and there are some people who will be sent back to civilization today…Now, I have to get into costume. The contestants think I'm Arogoragh-

Author-Arargagog.

Ryan- Will you shut up and let me do my job?!?

Author- Well, I kinda wrote you into this…It's fine…I mean, I can ALWAYS take you out…

Ryan- NO!!! Fine. The contestants think I am Arargagog…WHAT?!?

Author- You left out the "Chief Elder" part.

Ryan- WHAT?!? Do I LOOK like an elder?!?

Author-…

Ryan- Exactly! I am NOT saying it!

Author- You just got a giant zit written into this…

Ryan- You…Oh! It's a FAMILY show…

Author- Yeah RYAN!!!

Ryan- Okay, let's just get to the contestants…

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Lila- Ugh…Where are we?

Danny- I don't know…

Adam- I think we're on a deserted island…

Allison- I think we already knew that dumbass…

Kris- So I guess we're stuck here…great…

Demi- Well I guess it's not SO bad depending on how you look at it…

Lila- Well I'm LOOKING at a terrible view…

Miley- The ocean's pretty though!

Lila- I was talking about your face.

Angel- Nice one.

Caylee- I have to agree.

Miley- Nick! Save me from these bitches!

Nick JonASS- And I should BECAUSE…

Miley- I thought you loved me!

Nick JonASS- Not exactly THAT way…You're like my-

Renaldo Lapuz- IAM YOU'RE BROTHER! YOU'RE BEST FRIEND FOREVER…

Nick- Yeah…kinda like that…

Miley- Ew! You just called me a dude!

Angel- I can't disagree…

Miley- Uh! Who here agrees with that?!?

Norman- Uh…

Demi- Uh…

Selena- Uh…ya…Miley, get over Nick. He's MINE!

Angel- No! He's MY NIckyboobookinz!

Megan- It sounds like you got that from a fortune cookie…

Matt- Why would that be in a fortune cookie?

Megan- Who the hell cares?

Anoop- No one. Except maybe Hatt over here…

Miley- Okay. We're done with fortune cookies or whatever shit that has nothing to do with me you're talking about. Now no one actually agrees with him right?

Cookie- Uh…

Archy- Uh…

Tatiana- You look more masculine than Freaky Dreadlock Dude over there…

Jason- Hey!

Caylee- Wow…who told her about our little "nickname" for him?

Lila- But she didn't get the FULL name…

Caylee- True…

Tatiana- What is it?

Jason- Ugh…MUST I listen to people insult me all day?!?

Lila- Yeah. It's Freaky Dreadlock Ukulele Bongo Boy Mr. I Shot the Tambourine Man Dude.

Jason- You people suck.

Sanjaya- Ooh! What do you call me?

Lila- Uh, Sanjaya?

Sanjaya- Yes?

Lila- No, I mean we just call you Sanjaya…

Sanjaya- I agree with Freaky…Whatever your name is!

Jason- Jason! Why is it that no one gets it right?!?

Renaldo Lapuz- I am just going to guess that people enjoy insulting you, even though you're awesome! Like Simon!

Caylee- On what planet is FDD cool?!?

Lila- We even abbreviate his name…

Miley- Look, can we change the subject already?!? Ya know BACK TO ME?!?!?!?!?!?

Lila- Here's something about you. You suck. No one loves you, nor will they ever, so if you would just climb back into that little hole to hell you came from…Happy?

Selena- Wow…She JUST said everything I've never had the nerve to say…

Demi- Same.

Danny- Okay, that's enough…So how are we going to get off of this island?

William Hung- I BELIEVE I CAN FLY!

Danny- …okay…any GOOD ideas?!

Lila- Here's one RUN!!!!!!!!!!!

(Everyone scatters except for Danny)

Danny- Wait…how does running get you off of a desert island?

Lila- It doesn't. It just helps you get away from the natives!

Danny- Oh…AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! *hides in bush*

Lila- *runs to where Danny is* Calm down! You'll make them find us…Well, they're going to find SOMEONE…There are, I think, 25 of us…Hopefully they catch someone who deserves whatever they do…

Danny- Like who?

Lila- Hm…Miley…Nick...Tatiana…Katrina…speaking of her, where'd she go?

Danny- Probably trying to find some native to seduce…

Lila- Hm…sounds about right…

Ryan- My name is Arargagog! I am the chief elder! Now if you would all come out, we do not wish to hurt you.

Katrina- Chief ELDER?!? That means you're OLD! That sucks…I thought you looked like Ryan Seacrest or someone sexy like that…

Ryan- Why thank you! Is Ryan Seacrest amazing and sexy?

Katrina- Yeah…

Lila- Wait…how do you know about Ryan Seacrest…This doesn't look like the kind of place that would get cable…or any channel…or wi-fi…

Ryan- Uh, doesn't EVERYONE know of Ryan Seacrest? I mean, he's so amazingly famous and talented…

Angel- *mutters* Great…We have NO chance of survival…

Norman- Why not?

Angel- The chief elder's a gay retard…WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!?

Wil- It's a mad world…

Adam- *joining in* Mad world…

Wil&Adam- Mad world! MAD WOOOOOOORRRLLLLLDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!

Caylee- SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!

Kris- Wow…I think Adam has officially gone insane…

Katy- If you mean INSANEly sexy, then yes. Yes he is…But we already knew that…

Allison- Oh yes…yes we did…

Kris- Katy. Allison. BACK OFFA MY MAN!!!

Caylee- Wow…this is one strange battle of the Fandoms…

Angel- Yeah…GO KRADAM!!!!!!

Caylee- GO ADISON!!!!!

Lila- GO…Hm…definitely not Katam…HE'S MINE!!!!!!!!!

Miley- Hellllllooooooooo? Is ANYONE paying attention to ME?!?

Everyone else- No.

Miley- You guys are all-

Ryan- Ahem…can I speak? Now if you want to live, I suggest you build yourselves some huts…Maybe, I don't know, work together…

Nick- That'll be too hard for SOME OF US!!!  
*Everyone looks at Miley*

Ryan- Well then. I suggest you start now. It'll be dark soon…

Lila- Well, I guess we should start…Maybe we should each pair up or work in groups to build huts that are a little bigger…

Miley- Oh Nick!

Nick- Someone! Help!

Angel- Ooh! I'LL room with you!

Nick- Any guys?

Lila- I knew it! You ARE gay! I was right the whole time!

Adam- Ooh! Like, 5 gay guys on ONE island! Yay! *jumps up and down*

William Hung- Okay then…

Sanjaya- Wait…I thought there were *counts* 4…

Adam- You're forgetting FDD…

Jason- Hey! My name is Jason Castro!

Archy- Okay…so we should get into our groups…

Adam- Okay…

Allison- I call Adam!

Kris- He's mine!  
Katy- I saw him first!

Lila- I voted for him first!

Adam- And I get no say?

Allison, Kris, and Katy- None.

Lila- I'm going to be a nice person and say yes Adam, you choose.

Caylee- You and nice? Wow…

Lila- Look, let's just start with the huts…Just get someone else to help you...Someone you can deal with for the next God knows how long…

Demi- Sounds good. One question though. HOW THE HELL DO WE BUILD A HUT?!?

Lila- Go into the woods over there and get, I don't know, wood…

Sanjaya- But shouldn't some people stay here?

Lila- Okay. Who's going to go into the woods to get stuff?

Danny- I guess I'll go…

Adam- I can go…

Nick- Anything to get away from Miley…

(Most of the guys go into the woods)  
Lila- Okay, so while we're waiting, let's make dinner or something…And no, we're not poisoning each other's food…

Angel- Awh!!!

Miley- Ya know, we should have a leader…And then we can all listen to me-I mean, whoever it is…

Megan- Okay…We should wait for the guys…

(A few hours later)

Miley- I nominate myself!

Angel- I nominate Nick Jonas!

Caylee- Don't you mean JonASS

Angel- No…

Danny- Ya know, I nominate Lila…She's actually DONE something other than…well,nothing…

Miley- Okay, so everyone for me?

*Silence, except foe Miley screaming*

Miley- You people suck.

Angel- Everyone for Nick?

*Complete silence, except for Angel screaming "Vote for Nick!"*

Angel- For once I'll agree with Miley. YOU GUYS SUCK!

Nick- I'm not right for that…I didn't even vote for me…

Danny- All for Lila?

*Everyone screams "yes" except for Miley and Angel*

Danny- Okay. We have a leader…

Lila- Thanks! Okay, so now we should eat, then get back to our huts tomorrow.

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Ryan- But who will be there tomorrow? You voted, and the person with the least votes is...Miley. Now, to make it so no one else knows, we're going to send her on a raft, and have a ship pick her, and whoever else is eliminated, up…maybe…I'll go get her.

*Ryan comes back with Miley*

Ryan- Miley, this is a reality show, "Help! I'm Stuck With a Bunch of Retards"

Miley- But why am I the first one off?!?

Ryan- Well, the people think you, for lack of better words, suck.

Miley- So not fair! I want a recount!

Ryan- Miley, this is a reality show. Not a presidential election…Now the person with the next lowest amount of votes is…a four way tie! That means, five people will be sent on a raft tomorrow morning.

*Comes back with those eliminated*

Ryan- So, Selena, Nick, Katy, and…Katrina…great…

Katrina- OMG! I WAS RIGHT! IT'S RYAN SEACREST! OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG! *kisses Ryan*

Ryan- Okay. So you five will be going home tomorrow. How do you feel?

Katy- As long as those little bitches don't get to my man…

Nick- No one was fighting over Kris…well, that blonde girl looked like she was trying her hardest to not kiss him, but…

Katy- No you bitch. ADAM! She can have Kris…  
Nick- Isn't one of the ones fighting Kris? And isn't he your husband?

Katy- …your point?

Selena- I just can't believe they don't like me! *cries*

Miley- Don't worry Selena, they hate me too…Don't know why but…

Ryan- Okay, so this time, you can vote for 5 contestants you want to keep on, and two to eliminate. NOW does the author have anything to say?!?

Author- Just want to say thanks to all who voted, and please vote! Also, if you think a character should be getting more dialogue, tell me in your review/PM me. I'm trying to make it even, but it's hard with 25 (now 20) contestants, some that I don't know much about. Also, I tried to develop the characters more this chapter, just so I didn't leave out someone who gets immediately eliminated…Anyway, thanks! Now VOTE!


	3. Top 20

I know…FINALLY:)

Ryan- Last time…Can't say last week because the author's a lazy a…

Author- Family show Ryan…or fic…or-

Ryan- …author…Hey! It's not like the contestants don't curse!

Author- They don't know they're on TV…or the internet…OR-

Ryan- …anyway, last time on Help! I'm Stuck With a Bunch of Retards, you voted 5 people off. Now we're down to the Top 20. Now, at the end of this chapter…

Author- MOVE ON BITCH!

Ryan- Language, language…

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Danny- Hey! What's with the raft!

Adam- Yeah, it looks like Miley's leaving…

Angel- Yes! I mean, no! I wanted her to get viciously eaten!

Caylee- Look on the bright side. Maybe she'll drown…

Angel- But Nickyboobookins is on the raft!

Caylee- One more reason for it to tip over…

Lila- Well, Katrina's already in a bikini…

Demi- SSSSSSSEEEEELLLLLLLEEEEEEENNNNNAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!

Adam- Hey Kris…Since Katy's gone…

Caylee- KATY'S GONE! HE'S MINE!!!!!!! *grabs Kris randomly*

Kris- Okay…what's with the sudden "Hug a Kris Allen Day"?

Lila- I ask the same question. Why…why would anyone like you…

Caylee- Bitch.

Allison- Okay, okay…OMG IT SHOULD BE A HUG AN ADAM LAMBERT DAY!

Adam- Huh?

*Lila, Kris, Allison, Anoop, Matt, Megan, Angel, Wil Kunick, Renaldo Lapuz, and William Hung run up and hug Adam. Caylee stays hugging Kris, and Danny and everyone else just stares at the giant group hug…*

William Hung- She Bangs! She Bangs!

Angel- …random much…

Wil Kunick- Mad world! Mad world!

Adam- MAD WORLD! MMMAAADDD WWWOOORRRLLLDDD!!!

Caylee- RANDOM SINGING! *opens mouth*

Angel- SHUT UP STALKER GIRL!

Caylee- …Bitch…

Lila- Okay…calm down…

Angel- …no…

Kris- Okay…whatever. I don't give a shit about your issues. Now what should we do to actually survive?!?

Lila- Okay, for once I'll agree with Kris. We need to-

Demi- FRUITFLY!

Cookie- What?!

Demi- FRUIT-

Archy- He gets it.

Demi- I like pie!

Angel- Ooh! Me too! We have SO much in common!

Demi- NNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!

Tatiana- What?!? You're freaking cutting into my tan time!

Megan- You're seriously tanning while we're all trying to survive?

Anoop- Uh…I think I know what happened…

Matt- Do we WANT to know…?

Anoop- Well…it looks like she found…

Allison- Ugh…did Adam bring crack again…?

Adam- I am NOT on crack!

Anoop- Um…for once, no…it turns out some…stuff grows on the island…

Megan- And by "stuff" you mean…

Cookie- Drugs?

Anoop- Um…ya…

Cookie- Crap.

Norman- Don't you mean "crack"?

Adam- I JUST told you! I'm NOT on crack…anymore…

Allison- Um…you sure Demi's okay…

Danny- Uh…no…don't think so…

Tatiana- Well OBVIOUSLY! She's on crap…or whatever that shit is…

Adam- I'm NOT on crack!

Tatiana- Whatever you say drugboy.

Megan- Tatiana!

Tatiana- Ya?!?

Allison- Wow…MIley influenced her…

Sanjaya- Unfortunately…

Jason- Wow…You've been quiet…

Sanjaya- …so have you…

Angel- …okay, so if you lovebirds are done…

Sanjaya- Shut up!

Archy- …okay…

Jason- Shut up!

Angel- Oh get a life Freaky Dreadlock Dude!

Cookie- Okay, you know, we should actually do something…like survival stuff…

Lila- Yeah…

Renaldo Lapuz- Wanna start tomorrow?

Angel- Ya.

Lila- …fine…

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Ryan- But who will be here tomorrow? Wow…I said this…last…time…Either these people are really procrastinating, or we need a better writer-

Author- I heard that!

Ryan- Oh! Like you-Oh…I have a feeling we're live…

Author- Ya…ya are…

Ryan- Then shut up.

Author- Haven't I threatened you enough?

Ryan- Make me.

Author- I can replace you.

Ryan- I can get a better gig.

Author- I can write it so you can't get anything.

Ryan- I already have money.

Author- You have a family to support.

Ryan- What?!?

Author- Ya…meet, uh, Bill and, er…Biffy…

Ryan- I have a feeling I don't want to know who their mother is…

Author- Hm…well, I was going to say you, but I have a better idea. Kartrina.

Ryan- …fuck you…

Author- We're live.

Ryan- Oh…well this is embarrassing…Anyway, the person with the least amount of votes is…coming up after.

Author- THIS IS FANFICTION! THERE ARE NO ADVERTISMENT BREAKS! And no. I'm NOT making a new chapter JUST so you can use your little line…

Ryan- But I like that line…

Author- Bobby and Biffy…

Ryan- His name is Billy…

Author- So you do care about your kids.

Ryan- …I want a paternity test!

Author- Well I want 591982430921 reviews, but that ain't happenin' unless you FREAKIN' FINISH!

Ryan- Alright already! Jason Castro…He's leaving…Hm…seems like just a year and a half ago I was saying this on Idol…

Author- It was a year and a half ago you moron.

Ryan- Right…anyway, there's a freaking tie for freakin' second, so both freakin' Sanjaya and freakin' Demi and freakin' leaving…There happy?!?

Author- As long as you don't mention how long it's been since Sanjaya was eliminated.

Ryan-Whatever. They'll be here in a minute…

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Demi- So this was ALL a freakin' joke?!?

Sanjaya- Well…

Ryan- Yes Demi. This is a reality show.

Demi- Wait, but how is it a reality show. It's real…

Jason- Hence the name, reality TV…

Sanjaya- "Hence"? Who says hence?

Jason- I don't know, I-

Demi- Okay I don't care.

Ryan- Okay, so you three will be leaving tomorrow morning.

Demi- Whatever…

Ryan- Okay. So all of you reading, you guys have to vote. Now you can vote for 5 contestants, and against 3 contestants. Our Top 17 is…

Danny Gokey

Adam Lambert

3- Allison Iraheta

4- Kris Allen

5- Lila

6- Angel

7- Caylee

8- William Hung

9- Renaldo Lapuz

10- Wil Kunick

11- Norman Gentle

12- Anoop Desai

13- Mean Joy

14- Matt Girard

15- David Cook

16- David Archuleta

17- Tatiana DelToro

Author- One little note SOMEONE forgot to mention…Please, I don't want to change your mind about who you're voting for, but please. Vote for a retard! It'll make this a lot funnier…Okay, now VOTE!


	4. Top 17

Ryan- We're back. Sorry. Once again, the author's a…

Author- I'm not saying anything…too cliché…

Ryan- And it's not even Top 10…

Author- I'm bored…I'm going to make you shut up now…

Ryan- Impos—

Author- Hahaha

Ryan- *opens mouth*

Author- lolz

Ryan- *mouths random curse words*

Author- rofl

Ryan- *mouths more random curse words*

Author- roflmfao

Ryan- *see what Ryan said before*

Author- Okay, now you're just going too far.

Ryan- *mouths 'fuck you bitch'*

Author- Whatevs…I'll let you talk when you talk to…the people who got eliminated…

* * *

Allison- Hey! Where's Demi going?!?

Kris- I don't know…why is it that all the freaks are leaving?

Lila- You wouldn't think they'd have the brains to escape…

Wil- Sanjaya and FDD are with her…

Renaldo Lapuz- Well, at least Miley's been gone for a while…she was the worst…

Angel- Oh, don't even get me STARTED on that bitch-

Caylee- You started…

Danny- Okay…moving on…are we ever going to get to building and doing other things around here?

Lila- When some of these people leave…

Danny- Like your friends? (Points to Angel and Caylee, who are acting very…strange…)

Lila- Ya know, most people would be offended. I'll agree…

Caylee- KRIS IS MINE!!

Angel- Great…no one else wants him…

Adam- What about me?!?

Tatiana- Her point exactly. NO ONE…

Allison- Bitch. No wonder Danny made it instead of her. He's not a bitch…At ;east not like you…

Danny- Thank you…wait HEY!

Cookie- Wow…I'm just going to fade slowly into the background and ignore this…

Archy- Same…wait, where are Anoop and Matt?

(Anoop and Matt run onto the beach, fighting…both failing pretty much…)

Anoop- MATT! She's MINE!

Matt- No! She loves ME!!!!

Anoop- How would you know?!?

Matt- That's what happened in my dream

William- What are you fighting about.

Anoop- Megan!

Matt-Dude! Why did you tell them?!?

Megan- Wait! Those two are fighting over…me?

Kris- I don't think there are any other Megans on the island…

Megan- …right…

Tatiana- Ya know, if you don't want one of them, I'll take the other…I have things for them to do for me…

(Matt and Anoop look at each other)

Anoop& Matt- MEGAN! PICK ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tatiana- Why? I just need you do all my housework…my maid quit last month…

William- Um…I BELIEVE I CAN FLY!!!!

Everyone else- …

Angel- I THINK ABOUT IT EVERY NIGHT AND DAY

Cookie- WTF…?

Allison- *sigh* FML…

Lila- FUCK ME LAMBERT!!!

Adam- Whaaaaa?

Everyone else- *looks at Adam*

Adam- Uh…FM…K!!!

Kris- It just doesn't sound the same…

Caylee- FMK!!!

Kris- Neither did that…

Angel- Don't wants to know…

Kris- It's not like I actually-

Adam- Oh I wish…

Caylee- Me too…

Danny- ...don't want to know…

*Complete silence*

Anoop- Matt, I was thinking. You can have Megan…

Matt- Yes! Wait! Really? Why?

Anoop- Well, I realized that I can have any girl I want. For you, it's either her, your piano or your hat!  
Matt- It's CALLED a fedora…

Anoop- Whatever HATT…

Lila- You DO know we should actually get something done around here…

Matt- Well EXCUSE ME Miss 'FUCK ME LAMBERT'

Anoop- Dude that was just wrong…think 'FMM'…

Matt- Got it…FMM!!!!!!!

Anoop- Ugh…what part of THINK do you not understand?!?

Tatiana- As far as I can see, none.

Adam- Thanks for stating the obvious…

Wil- I'm tired…Let's go…

Lila- Ugh…I don't think we'll EVER have anything done around here…

* * *

Ryan- In an attempt to keep myself from being annoyed by the…person…you call the author, I'm just going to come out and say-

Author- Coming out? You ARE gay…

Ryan- You always find a way…

Author- Yes I do. Why else would I make you say stupid things…so I can make stupid comebacks.

Ryan- Whatever…the first person going home today is Megan Joy, okay, so if the author-

Author- And I won't.

Ryan- I didn't even-

Author-You forgot I'm writing what you say. And no. I won't let you finish without interruption.

Ryan- Ugh…I'll get Megan…and-

Author- Tatiana and Kris.

Ryan- Hey! Anyway, the contestants who are REALLY being voted off are…Tatiana and…Kris…

Kris- So this was all…an…act…wow, did Adam give me crack again or something?

Ryan- Again? And Adam's on crack?

Megan- But Matt FINALLY-

Tatiana- *very badly imitated* Caw! Caw! Move it Birdgirl.

Ryan- ANYWAY…You need to vote again. This time, you can vote FOR 3 contestants and AGAINST 2. Now, the Top 14…

- Danny Gokey

-Adam Lambert

-Allison Iraheta

-Lila

-Caylee

-Angel

-William Hung

-Renaldo Lapuz

-Wil Kunick

-Norman Gentle

-Anoop Desai

-Matt Girard

-David Cook

-David Archuleta

Ryan- Now, please vote. Readers, you decide who wins and who…possibly drowns…I wonder how Bikini Girl's doing…Did a shark get her?

Author- Not that I know of…

Ryan- Anyway…er…I don't know! Bye! *runs*

Wil- *from beach* Hey! It's Arargagog…or whatever his name is…

Author- Ah the fun of controlling Ryan…*laughs*


End file.
